Mother

It was a lazy afternoon when we spoke.  If I remember correctly, she was the last patient I saw for that day. For confidentiality's sake let us call her Ms S.  Ms. S is one of my favorites.  She is easy to be with, has a sarcastic sense of humor which is of course to my taste, and we often talk about silly things during therapy.  But what started out as a light conversation while she was on the exercise bike eventually led to something serious, sad even.  Here is Ms S' story:

Me: Ms S, you seem to have pretty eyes, what color were they before you got old and wrinkly?
                *we both laugh*
Ms S: Well there were blue, but now it's more of a blue-gray.  I also had rich blonde hair.
Me: You must've been beautiful back then.
Ms. S: I'm not sure about beautiful, but I think I was pretty.
Me: Wow talk about confidence huh?  *we both laugh* I'm sure many guys wanted to date you.
Ms. S: Well yes I did have many of them.  Until I met my husband.
Me: Is you husband handsome?
Ms S: Yes he was.  The girls were always chasing him.
Me: Even after he married you?
Ms S: More so even after he married me. Hihihi.
Me: Seriously? So you mean he had an affair?
Ms S: Oh yes he did.
Me: With different women?
Ms S: Not really.  He had this one woman for so long...

As Ms S shared her story with me, I can feel like she is holding back tears.  She opened up her heart for me, and out gushed her emotions.  Something she kept by herself for so long, to so few.  I must be one of the precious few she trusted enough to hear her story.

Ms S: I always knew he was unhappy with me.  We had three girls already and I can't seem to make him feel happy or proud of me.  There is a distance in his eyes and his arms that stops us from getting close.  And then I got pregnant again, and this time it was a boy.  I thought having a baby boy for him would make him happy, but I was wrong.  He grew more distant.  And though we lived under the same roof, I knew he didn't love me.  He loved his other woman....

And so it went on.  I learned that the other woman stayed remained until they got old and gray.  I asked Ms S., " So did you fight back? Did you fight for your husband?"

She said, "I wanted to but I didn't.  I didn't want any trouble. I was busy anyhow tending to the kids. But one day I almost did.  He took his woman with him to our home. Well she didn't come in but I saw her pickup truck outside.  I wanted to grab her and slap her.  But I was thinking of the kids. It would break them.  I'd rather they have an illusion of a happy home that shatter their lives by revealing to them that their dad is a cheat.  I'd rather keep the pain to myself than bear it on the children.  So I never told them.  Even until now, they don't know..."

"I kept thinking what made him unhappy with me.  It's maybe because I don't drink too much or party too much like he does.  I don't have his lifestyle.  So I can't make him happy.  But I took care of him when he got sick.  I took care of him until he passed. That woman never even came to see him"

"Do you love him that much?"

"I don't know.  I love my kids more. I was a mother first and a wife second. You can call it love, you can call it loyalty.  I did the best I could.  You know I never tell many people about this.  Not even some of my closest friends know."

"So I guess I'm special huh?," I smiled.  She gave a small laugh, "I guess, honey, I guess you are."

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Life is a matter of perspective.  You can call it unconditional love, unwavering loyalty or spineless martyrdom. Her story took a lifetime to realize.  She wanted to protect the unhappy marriage because she wanted to protect the kids.  Is this sacrifice a sullen form of idiocy, a sad and lonely state of passive aggression or is it because she wants to set him free?  Is it worth it in the end? Is your love worth fighting for after all?