Impulse

Tuesday it was when my internal conflict began.  It was warm outside 75 to 80-ish weather with the spring sun up high in the almost cloudless sky.  I hate the sun on my face.  I don't hate the sun itself, mind you, and I can deal with the heat.  But I hate the sun on my face.  It burns my face up like a dried leaf and fertilizes my face for new acne growth.  Acne which I should have gotten over with after puberty, but no.  It lingers on forever, a flaw I assume God Himself assured to make me human.  Without my imperfect skin, damn, I would be the perfect Homo Sapien specimen on the planet.  Oh yeah!

Well, anyway, at midday during lunchtime, I suddenly had a craving for ice cream.  Ice cream is one of the few sweets I love and I am craving for it now.  I wanted a Rocky Road or a Cookies and Cream right then and there.  That is when my internal strife began.  Part of me wanted to go to Walmart after work and grab myself an ice cream to satisfy my craving.  But then again, it was too hot outside and the sun will be on my face.  I hate the sun on my face.  And still I crave for ice cream and the only way to get rid of the craving to buy one from Walmart.  But it was too hot outside and the sun will be on my face.  I hate the sun on my face. And so goes my internal conflict about whether to get that ice cream or not.

It went on through the afternoon.  Me debating  with myself over the ice cream.  Not eating ice cream will not kill me and between want and hate, hate is a stronger emotion. And I hate the sun on my face.  So I decided, I will walk straight home after work.  No more trip to Walmart for a half-quart of ice cream which I probably will just leave inside the freezer for a long time before discovering I didn't really want ice cream after all.  So that was that, no ice cream, I am shading my face from the sun with my trusty stolen white folder going straight home. 

After my last patient, I logged my minutes out, locked the therapy room and headed out the door.  I had a cap on, my backpack, my Ipod playing James Blunt's I'll Be Your Man and my folder on one hand.  As I walked along the roadside, I realized how I no longer am the YesMan I used to be.  And that is a shame. When I was younger, I prided myself on the fact that I am one driven by my impulses and I follow them with much gusto I didn't really care what everyone else wanted.  I wasn't swayed by the crowd.  At times I even sway the crowd.  If I had the impulse to eat something from somewhere, by hook or by crook I will get that by the end of the day, no matter what it takes, by God, I will get that!  That was who I was.

I like to think that that is still who I am.  But, no, as I grew older impulses give way to rational thought.  There is nothing wrong with rational thought, of course.  In fact, it is a sign of wisdom.  But hell, it makes things predictable and boring.  Would I really give up my childish impulses which reminds me of my youth, to the convenience of rationalizing everything so I have an excuse to say no?  I don't think so.

So today my friends, I am young again.  I decided the ice cream was worth fighting for.  I still hate the sun but giving in to that one silly impulse, for a moment, gave my heart a sense of victory, something so remotely distant for people who are starting to forget how it is to be young.  For a moment there, I was young.  I was free.